Light and Darkness
by Hotch Fan
Summary: Spoilers from 5x09 "100." After some problems with Jack, Hotch has doubts about being a good father. As always, Dave is there to help him step back and see things from a better perspective. [NOW COMPLETE]
1. Worry

**Oh my God! This is already my fifth story I can't believe it! I know this chapter is very short, but it's only the beginning, the nexts ones will be longer, I promise.**

**Also, I owe a huge thanks to**_** kisaitaluvr**_** for the beta.**

**I don't owe Criminal Minds or any of his characters.**

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**OoOoO**

**Chaper I: Worry.**

"**_True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable." David Tyson Gentry._**

Wearily, Dave closed the last of the files on his desk. He took a deep breath and rubbed his hand across his face. If there wasn't a new case in the morning, the team had the day off, so he had decided to finish the paperwork he had left, in hopes he could rest fully tomorrow.

Once everything on his desk was in place, he took his things and left his office, closing the door behind him. He took a moment to look at the empty bullpen. Everyone in the team and the other agents already had left for the night too.

As he followed his way, something caught his attention. Out of the corner of his eye he saw light, light coming from the office next to his. Hotch's office. Dave frowned. Hotch told him he would leave early to pick up Jack at Jessica's, so he had assumed the younger agent had left hours ago.

The blinds of the window were closed, so he couldn't see if Hotch was still inside. Dave knocked lightly at the door and without waiting for an answer -as usual- he entered. He allowed himself a small smile at the image before him.

Hotch was sitting behind his desk, as usual, but it seemed he had fallen asleep on the file he had been working on. He still had the pen he surely had been using in his hand, but he was definitely sleeping peacefully.

Dave took a moment to look over Hotch's desk. There were two piles of files. The one he supposed was the ´done pile´ had five or six files and the ´not done pile´ only had two. He made up his mind quickly and quietly took the two files. After quickly reviewing them to ensure they were not filled yet, he put them in his briefcase.

He knew better than to offer Hotch take them. The last time he had done, Hotch had thanked him for the offer and reject him with an "It's ok, I'll get them." He wasn't about to let that happen again.

He looked at Hotch and was surprised that the younger agent hadn't even moved an inch. He had shared hotel rooms with him and had seen him sleep on the jet enough times to know Hotch was a light sleeper. Shaking his head, he walked next to his boss and friend.

"Aaron, Aaron wake up," Dave said, shaking Hotch's shoulder lightly.

It took Hotch a moment to focus his eyes and realize he was in his office.

"Dave?"

"Yep, I think you fell asleep," Dave strated. "You should be thankful it was me who found you _resting_ and not Strauss."

Hotch rubbed his eyes. "Strauss left hours ago."

Dave shrugged "So, tell me. What are you doing here? I thought you said you'd go early."

Hotch lower his gaze "Yeah, I was going to, it's just that I lost track of the time and when I remember I realized Jack's sleep time had already passed. I called Jessica and said I would go for him tomorrow morning, so I decided to stay to finish."

Dave didn't say anything; he only looked at Hotch carefully for a moment. He could tell something was off. Of course, things hadn't been great since Haley's death, a little over five months ago, but Hotch had been handling everything just fine. Consciously splitting his time with Jack and the work, or so Dave had thought. Until now.

Dave had noticed the circles under Hotch's eyes a little darker than usual and how Hotch had looked a little distracted the last couple of days, but Dave had thought it was just stress with all the changes that had occurred in the past few months. Apparently he had been wrong.

"Okay, get up. You're coming with me." Dave said in the firmest tone he could manage.

"What? Where?" Hotch said, a confused expression on his face.

"You're coming with me for a drink," Dave said, raising his hand to stop Hotch's protests even before the younger agent started. "And before you say anything I know besides work you have nothing else to do. Jack is with Jessica, you said it yourself, and so you're coming with me."

Hotch considered refuse to his friend's wish, after all if he really doesn't wanted to go he doubted Dave could take him against his will, but he knew Dave, and he knew he wasn't going to let this go, so it was best to talk about it with some alcohol involved.

He sighed. "All right,"

A few seconds later both Hotch and Dave left together the BAU. David Rossi was determined to find what was bothering his friend.

**OoOoO**

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**... So, what do you think? Like it? Hate it? Please let me know. What do you guys think is bothering Hotch? Thoughts? The next chapter will be posted in a week or so, I hope you all stay tuned. **

**A/N: Thanks to all who read it. I hope you all have enjoyed, and as always feedback is appreciated. Thank you.**


	2. Mistakes

**Hello everyone! Here's the new chapter, but first I want to thank you so much everybody for reading, alerting and adding this fic to your favorites. That makes me really, really happy : D**

**Again, thanks to **_**kisaitaluvr**_** for the beta.**

**I don't owe Criminal Minds or any of his characters.**

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**OoOoO**

**Chapter II: Mistakes**

They came to a quiet bar near the BAU, it was a familiar place to them. They always used to go there when it was just the two of them, when they go out with all the team; they usually went to places a little more big and noisy.

Both settled at one of the tables in the corner, without saying anything. A few minutes later the waiter served their drinks, leaving a glass in front of them. Scotch, a taste they shared.

Taking a sip of his drink, Dave looked at the man before him. Hotch was sitting quietly, just looking at his glass. His lips pressed into a tight line.

"All right. What's going on with you?" Dave asked finally, his eyes fixed on Hotch's face.

Hotch looked at Rossi, with what he hoped was a blank expression on his face.

"What do you mean?" He asked quietly before bringing the glass to his lips.

Dave just raised an eyebrow, giving his friend a look that made it clear he wasn't buying that.

Hotch sighed lowering his eyes again. He knew David Rossi way too well to really think he was going to let this go. Absently, he ran his fingers over the lip of his glass.

"I... I had some trouble with Jack," Hotch said finally.

Dave narrowed his eyes, "What do you mean by problems? Is he okay?"

"Yes, he's fine. I think." Hotch said, before taking another sip of his drink, this bigger than the previous one. When he looked at Dave, he saw the other man was frowning and looking back at him with an expectant expression.

He just sighed again. "I had some problems with Jack a couple of days."

Hotch started to tell his best friend what had happened.

/***/

_Hotch was in the kitchen making breakfast, while Jack was in the living room watching TV._

_The past few weeks had been quite heavy; going from city to city, case after case, and __on top of that__, Strauss over his shoulder the whole time, making sure he could still do his job._

_And then, yesterday when he had gone to pick up Jack at Jessica's, she had told him Jack had been moody and cranky all day. She had tried to get Jack to talk to her but she hadn't succeeded. It was a little late, so Jack had gone to bed shortly after they arrived to their apartment, so he hadn't spoken with Jack; he was hoping to do it after breakfast._

_"Hey buddy, breakfast is almost ready; go wash your hands please!" Hotch called into the living room to Jack._

_This was something new, of course Haley's death had affected him, he had been quieter and sad, but he hadn't been upset or had stopped talking to Jess or him. In fact, it had been quite the opposite; he had grown close to them, clinging to the familiar figures he had left, so this was a bit... different, he just hoped it wasn't anything serious._

_He was making pancakes -Jack's favorites- as breakfast, he flipped the pancakes over and got plates out of the cabinet._

_He sighed. Normally, when he could spend the whole day with his son, Jack was always excited, making plans to go to the park or the movies and talking almost non-stop about school and friends, and even asking for 'his uncles and aunts' on the team, which these past months have been supporting and helping him with anything._

_He served on two plates, took them to the table and got some grape juice for Jack._

_"Jack, breakfast is ready, go wash your hands." He called again and then went to get the syrup and butter._

_As Hotch returned to the table, he frowned seeing Jack hadn't moved from the couch._

_"Jack, go wash your hands." He called again, looking at the living room._

_He waited a moment, but nothing happened. Still with a frown on his face, he walked toward the living room, stopping next to Jack._

_"Jack, go wash your hands please." He repeated, trying not to raise his voice._

_Jack didn't even look at him; instead, it seemed he hadn't even heard him. Taking a deep breath, he took the remote control that was on the coffee table, and turned off the TV._

_He just kept staring at Jack, who was watching him. After a moment, the little boy stood and left the room._

_Hotch pinched the bridge of nose as he walked toward the kitchen. Jack had never acted like that. _Never._ He was a sweet and loving little boy. Something was definitely wrong here. Shaking his head, he went to pour a cup of coffee; he took a small sip as he went to sit at the table._

_A moment later Jack was back, sitting at the table._

_Hotch started eating without saying anything; he just looked at Jack out of the corner of his eye. He frowned. His son wasn't eating; he just sat here looking at his plate._

_Jack didn't even looked at him, he just keep watching his plate without moving._

_Hotch closed his hands into fists and took a deep breath._

_"Jack, you're not leaving this table until you've eat you breakfast."_

_"I don't like this, I don't want it, you don't make it like mommy. I want my mommy!" Jack cried, throwing the plate away._

_"Jack…" Hotch said, his voice hard._

_"No! I want my mommy, don't want you!" Jack whined before start running to his room._

_He felt as if he had received a punch in the gut listening to his son say that, but he quickly put his hurt aside and went after Jack, he took him by the arm._

_"Let me go, I don't want you!" Jack screamed, trying to break free from the grip of his father._

_Then, he didn't know what happened. The next thing he remembers is seeing directly into the frightened eyes of his son. 'What's wrong? Why is he looking at me like that?' He wondered himself confused. Then he froze._

_He was grabbing Jack by the arm with more force than necessary, and his other hand was up in the air, about to... No he couldn't be about..._

_Immediately, he let go of Jack's arm, and watched as his son ran away from him, his cries strong enough to be heard even after the door was closed. He just stood there, unable to move, just trying to breathe._

_How could he had been about to do something like that? To his son. Something he promised himself he never would even try, the same night he held his little baby in the hospital, next to Haley._

_He stood there, unable to move for near 10 minutes, and once he could do it, he took a couple of minutes to calm down before taking the phone and dial the familiar number._

_"Hello?" Said the person on the other side._

_"Hey Jess, it's me." He said, trying to keep his voice steady._

_"Aaron. Is everything okay?"_

_"Yeah, everything's fine, I just wanted to ask if you could come over."_

_"I- what? What happened?" She responded with concern evident in her voice._

_"We... we had a little discussion and Jack is in his room. I think he needs to have someone with him." He took a deep breath. "Someone other than me."_

_"Is he okay? I think if you had problems with Jack you should talk to him." She said seriously._

_"Yeah, he's fine. I just... I need a little time. Can you come over? Please."_

_"I ... okay I'll be there in a couple of minutes."_

_"Thanks." Hotch said hanging up._

_25 minutes later there was a knock at the door._

_"Hey," Jessica said quietly._

_"Thanks for coming; he's still in his room." He told her without closing the door._

_"What are you doing?"_

_"I need to leave for a moment. I'll be back soon." He replied, and without waiting for an answer left the apartment._

_He drove for a couple of minutes, stopping at the park near his apartment. He took a deep breath and left his car, going to sit on a bench._

_He didn't know how long he had been sitting there, or even why he had driven here. He had done it __subconsciously, the supposed__; coming to where innocent children were playing and having fun. If he analyzed more carefully, he knew he could get why of all places where he could have gone, he had come here, but he had no intention of doing so._

_As he kept watching the children running and laughing, a sound distracted him. It was his cell phone, he frowned. He didn't remember bringing it with him. Without looking who was calling, he answered._

_"Hotchner."_

_"Aaron? It's me. Where are you?" Jessica asked with dismay in her voice._

_"Hey, is he okay?" He asked just above a whisper._

_"Yes, he's okay. It looks like some kid at school told him bad things and that's why he was acting like that. I've already talked to him and explained that what that kid said was wrong. He told me… he told me what happened," She cleared her throat. "He wants to see you, he want to apologize."_

_"I… actually wanted to ask if you could take him home with you." Hotch said quietly. If Jack had told her what happened surely she knew what he had been about to do to Jack. She couldn't face her, not now._

_"What? What are you talking about? He wants to see you. Don't you hear me?" Jessica said with obvious confusion in her voice._

_"Yes, I hear you. I... I just need some time alone."_

_"Alright, I'll take him home with me." She sighed, "Can you at least talk with him now?"_

_"I have to go now; I'll talk to him later. Thanks for everything. Bye."_

/***/

Hotch took another sip of his scotch, without looking at his friend's eyes.

**OoOoO**

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**A/N:Thanks to all who read it.**** I hope you all have enjoyed****, and as always feedback is appreciated. Thank you all**.


	3. Friendship

**Hi everyone, here is the third and final chapter of this story. I'm sorry the delay but I had been a little bit sick and had not been able to finish writing this.**

**Anyway, thanks to everybody for reading, alerting and favoriting this story. It really means a lot.**

**Also I owe a huge thank you to **_**kisaitaluvr**_** for the beta.**

**I don't owe Criminal Minds or any of his characters.**

* * *

**OoOoO**

"I don't know what happened. I just ... I just lost control." Hotch said pinched the bridge of his nose.

Dave nodded, listening to what his friend said. "I understand things like that happen."

Hotch narrowed his eyes and clenched his jaw, looking at Dave "No, things like that should not happen" He all but growled.

"Of course not, but I get it, you have been under pressure lately, a lot of things have changed. It is quite normal that you have outbursts. Besides, I'm sure something like this never had happened before, right?" Dave said quietly looking at the man before him.

Hotch shook his head and took another sip of his drink lowering his glance again. "That's not an excuse."

"No. It is not, but this kind of situation happens," Seeing that Hotch was about to protest Dave raised his hand to stop him "I know that I don't have any children, but I have nephews and nieces. I will not say that is normal or good, but it happens." The older agent said firmly but gently.

He knew what this was all about, but he wanted Hotch to tell him. When he was ready.

Hotch lower his glance rubbing his forehead slightly.

"I ... When Haley got pregnant, we talked about this," he pauses to take a deep breath, "We both agreed that it would be her spanking Jack when necessary. I never had ..." He made a vague gesture with his hands struggling to say the words.

"I was afraid of not knowing how strong do it or worse, that simply I could not stop." He finished struggling to keep his voice steady.

After this confession, they were in silence a couple of minutes. Hotch still with eyes lowered and Dave looking at his friend.

"You were afraid of becoming your father." It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

Hotch's head snap up sharply and he looked at Dave in shock.

"What-..." He left out seeing the familiar expression on Dave's face. One eyebrow raised and his lips curled up events so single. Damn. He sigh "How do you know?"

"Come on, I'm a profiler remember? Besides I have known you for over 15 years." Dave replied simply.

The truth is that took Dave about a week after Hotch joined the team to discover that the "new kid" had problems with his father and a couple of months, after a case involving children being beaten almost to death (the father of the first two, to avoid being considered a suspect had attacked a couple kids in neighborhood) to find out what was the problem.

Hotch narrowed his eyes at Dave, his lips pressed into a tight line.

He should have known. Yeah, the team had a rule of no intra-team profiling but it was just there. No one followed it, the real rule was not talking about what you had discovered or deduced from another.

He had never talked about this with anyone. Or at least not the whole truth, but right now, sitting there with his best friend before him, he could not think of another person whom he trusted more to talk about this than him.

After taking a sip of his drink, Hotch took a deep breath and began to speak, his voice lower than usual.

"When Haley and I were married she didn't want children. She had a job she loved and she did not want to leave it. I was fine with that. I mean, I never thought I could be a good father, and I don't wanted bring a child to this world and treat him like my father did with me, but as the years passed she changed her mind. We talked about it and I told her about my doubts and of course I don't tell her everything about my father, but finally we decided to try." Hotch explained recalling the night they had talked about it after Haley's best friend had a baby.

"She said I was a good man and could never hurt her or our son." Hotch said with a sad smile.

"Well, I think she was right." Dave said honestly looking at Hotch's eyes.

Hotch just shook his head but don't say anything for a long time. Eventually he took a deep breath and began to speak.

"She did not understand and neither do you. He was the perfect man. The perfect husband, father and friend. He even was kind with children in the neighborhood. He was a perfect gentleman until he came home and became in another person, completely different. Nothing was good enough for him. It could be a bad note, leaving something out of place, and sometimes just being there was enough. It was always worse when he was drunk. Do you want to know why?" Hotch said and without waiting for an answer continued. "Because when he was sober at least he reminded stop himself before he left me unconscious."

He had never said this to anyone. Of course, Haley knew that he had not had a good relationship with his father, but he never told her why or who, because when they met his father was dead and he had a new life, there was no reason to mention anything about it.

Afraid she would think less of him after hearing about his father. Afraid that the love and tenderness that appeared in her eyes every time she looked at him would become compassion and pity.

Thinking about it all these years later and now that Haley was gone, it seemed silly to think that something he had no control over could have changed the way she felt and looked at him, it was impossible.

He had never said anything but he was pretty sure she knew, after all, she had always known him better than anyone. Well, no one except Dave, who was watching him, looking concerned.

Hotch looked into Dave's eyes, fearful of what he was going to find in the eyes of his friend. What he found looking back at him was not pity, but understanding and the respect that was there from the first case they worked together.

He let out the breath he doesn't even know he had been holding until now.

"Your mother knew it, right?" Dave asked quietly after a couple of minutes. He was pretty sure he already knew the answer and Hotch knew it too, but wanted the younger agent to speak of this. He was pretty sure it was the first time.

Hotch took the glass to his lips taking a drink before answering.

"Yes, she knew about but I don't blame her. He was the same or worse with her than with me, and honestly I prefer that he hit me instead of her."

Dave doesn't say anything. Just because Hotch did not blame her doesn't mean that she doesn't have some guilt. After all, she could have denounced him and end the nightmare for her and her son.

"Everything ended when he died, a car accident. He had a little too much to drink at a meeting with friends and decided to drive back home." Hotch said, remembering the morning when his mother told him. He had felt relieved more than anything to hear the news and had not shared a single tear about it. Never.

"Look Hotch, I understand you have doubts and fears, but you're nothing like your father." Seeing that Hotch was about to argue, the older agent raised his hand to stop him. "You don't even hurt Jack and you were unable to sleep. Besides, your son loves you and admires you. You are his hero. He talks about how his daddy caught the bad guys every time he gets a chance to anyone who wants to listen."

Hotch looked at his hands that were in his lap. He knew everything that Dave said was true, and that is exactly what made everything worse. Knowing that his little boy loved him so much and he almost hurt him. He would never forgive himself if he had done it.

"And what am going to say to him? I'm sorry to have been about to hit you, but I'll try not to do it again?" Hotch all but growled.

Dave shook his head slightly. "No Aaron, I want you to tell him the truth. That you're sorry you reacted that way and that scares you too. As I've said before, he's a smart kid and he will understand." Dave said, watching carefully for Hotch's reaction. He could say that the younger agent wasn't convinced so he played his last card.

"You are the only parent he has left. He loves you very much and will not stop loving you for this." He said firmly.

Hotch looked at Dave's eyes for a long time, thinking about what his friend had said. Finally he nodded slightly. He was not sure it was the best, but he had to try. He could not leave his son with Haley's sister forever. He just couldn't.

Both sat in silence for a couple of minutes.

"Okay, let's go." Dave said standing up and leaving some money on the table.

Watching the puzzled expression Hotch was giving him he said. "You've had a bit too much to drink, I'll take you home. Let's go."

Both left the bar heading to Hotch's apartment.

The driver was silent. Dave knew Hotch had a lot on his mind right now, so he doesn't said anything. He left Hotch lost in thought.

Eventually they arrived at Hoth's building and Dave was parked in front. Neither moved.

"Thank you. For everything." Hotch said Dave sincerely looking straight in the eyes.

Dave looked back for a few moments. Then he nodded. "Anytime."

Dave looked as Hotch get off the SUV and until he was inside the building Dave sigh deeply and start the car.

"_**A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."**__** Unknown.**_

_**OoOoO**_

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**... So,**** what do you think? Like it? Hate it? Please let me know. ****I have thought about writing a sequel with Hotch and Jack but I'm still not sure, What do you guys think? Would you like to read a sequel?**

**A/N:Thanks to all who read it.**** I hope you all have enjoyed****, and as always feedback is appreciated. Thank you all**.


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